Wildish Speculation and Outlandish Guesses: European Edition

This week’s edition of Wildish Speculation and Outlandish Guesses asks our panel to imagine themselves in a leadership role at one of the world’s most prestigious international basketball teams, and make this pesky NBA lockout work for them.


Long Bui (Olympiakos B.C., Greece)

1. Tell us about your team, and why NBA players will want to play for you.

Do you like Aristotle? Want to sex Greek women? They are the best. What about the Parthenon (don’t worry, not the club)? Come to Greece! Don’t mind the economy, you will just be that much more rich! $5 million here, you be richest man. I am Pavlos, and I am Thanassis, we are brothers, we like basketball, and we own the most successful Greek sports team ever, Panathinaikos BC, 2011 Greek and Euroleague champions.

2. Assume you have $5 million to give to an NBA all-star. Who will you make a strong bid for? Why?

JR Smith, we are his biggest fans. He does crazy things like shoot from very far away and jam kind of like the human highlight reel (who used to play for us and had a great time here). Plus, he does entertaining things like this and this. And have you seen this?!

JR, this is what Europe is like! You can do this every night!

We have forgiven him for the 2009 dunk competition and business-wise, we have a chance to actually sign him. No more Josh but that’s okay, Greece welcomes JR.

3. Assume you have $3 million to give to two NBA role players. Who are you gunning for? Why?

Pavlos: Jeremy Lin, I think his skill set is best served in Europe and he’s cheap. Also: Asian. From a business standpoint we’ll get more fans from America and Asia and we can try and work out some broadcasting rights in China. I’m always looking to innovate. Plus, it is realistic; Lin doesn’t look like he will stick in the NBA.

Thanassis: Hmm… my brother makes a great point. I was going to ask for Stephon Marbury but then I remember StarburyTV. His shoes are still cool.

Pavlos: So, what player?

Thanassis: Oh, right, sorry brother. Nate Robinson? He’d sell tickets.

4. Suppose the lockout lasts through the rest of the 2011-2012 season. Can you feasibly keep your newly signed NBA players? How?

Uhhh… we’re filthy rich and our country is quite beautiful? Also, we’re not targeting anyone exorbitant so we’ll be paying them competitively, good benefits like house, car, and bodyguards, they get to live like Greek Gods, all else equal, I think they will stay. I would.

5. Who are you spending your money on: lesser skilled players who have a greater chance of staying long term, or more skilled players, who would probably demand opt-out clauses once a collective bargaining agreement is reached?

Pavlos: In the perfect world, I want stars. Who cares if it’s only for a few months, I want the super team.

Thanassis: … Rome wasn’t built in a day…

Pavlos: Then I guess it’s a good thing we live in Greece. Besides, this country may not exist tomorrow: our debt is trading at 30%. Grab what you can and how do you Americans say it, “get the fuck out of Dodge?” DWade, play here, become legendary.

Joe Bernardo (Barangay Ginebra Kings, Philippines)

1. Tell us about your team, and why NBA players will want to play for you.

The Barangay Ginebra Kings is among the most storied franchises in Philippine Basketball Association. Come play for us during the NBA lockout, and you will be a LIVING GOD here in the Philippines. Thanks to American colonialism, basketball (and not soccer) became the most popular sport in our nation. I dare challenge any other country in the planet that can compare to our fandom. Every, and I mean EVERY, street in the country has a makeshift hoop and court crowded with people playing. If you come here, our people will WORSHIP you. Plus, you know you don't want to get hurt playing during the lockout. You don't have to worry about that playing in the PBA. Only a fourth of our players can dunk, and most will just stand in awe of you when you play. In addition, Ginebra is owned by the San Miguel Beer Corporation, the premier alcohol company in the Philippines. You will never have to worry about paying for booze when you go out and party. Finally, girls? I won't go there...but I know you will.

2. Assume you have $5 million to give to an NBA all-star. Who will you make a strong bid for? Why?

Although Kobe was just here a few days ago and calls Manila his "second home," I'm going for Gilbert Arenas. We thrive on star power, but we can't compete with the European squads dollar for dollar (or rather peso for peso), so we might as well maximize our investment. After his visit here in 2008, Arenas blogged the following:

"[Filipinos] are diehard fans. I really didn’t know if I was in Game 7 of a playoff series, I couldn’t tell the difference. Everywhere I went it was just bananas....Any NBA players out there: If you’re having a bad day, or you’re having a bad career, go to Manila. They’ll bring your spirits up, trust me. I felt like I just won the NBA championship, to be for real."

He may not be the best star out there, but I know he'll definitely give it his all to play to the frenzied crowd.

3. Assume you have $3 million to give to two NBA role players. Who are you gunning for? Why?

Metta World Peace, formerly known as Ron Artest. He's been known to eat Filipino food and partake on the Philippines' #1 past time, karaoke! Plus, his son is half Filipino...which means...I won't go there, but I know he will.

The second would be Brian Cardinal. Cuz I don't know any other place where an ugly bald white man can get some other than here AND play hardnosed basketball.

4. Suppose the lockout lasts through the rest of the 2011-2012 season. Can you feasibly keep your newly signed NBA players? How?

Absolutely...for the very reasons state above. Plus, (again thanks to American colonialism) we can speak English here, watch American movies, and listen to hip hop. So getting culturally acclimated won't be as difficult as in any other basketball playing country.

5. Who are you spending your money on: lesser skilled players who have a greater chance of staying long term, or more skilled players, who would probably demand opt-out clauses once a collective bargaining agreement is reached?

I'd rather go for star power. We thrive on star power. We elected an actor for president, half of our Senate have been entertainers at one point in their lives, and our biggest international superstar, Manny Pacquiao, is a Congressmember. If they suddenly have to leave once an agreement has been reached, bahala na (come what may)! It was a good ride while it lasted.

Franklin Mieuli (BC Žalgiris, Lithuania)

1. Tell us about your team, and why NBA players will want to play for you.

Come play for the best basketball club in the most basketball mad country in Europe, and maybe the world: Lithuania! This country of 3.2 million has won bronze in three different Olympics and has produced players like Arvydas Sabonis, Šarūnas Marčiulionis, Žydrūnas Ilgauskas and Linas Kleiza.

BC Žalgiris may not be the sexiest place to play lockout basketball, but you won’t find a higher level of competition anywhere in the world. We play in the highly competitive Lithuanian Basketball League, and have an automatic bid to the Euroleague.

2. Assume you have $5 million to give to an NBA all-star. Who will you make a strong bid for? Why?

Linas Kleiza. You may say he’s not an NBA All-Star, but check out his statistics from when he played at Olympiacos B.C. in 2009. He wouldn’t only help our team on the court. Kleiza is the most popular basketball player in Lithuania, and has never played for a Lithuanian team.

3. Assume you have $3 million to give to two NBA role players. Who are you gunning for? Why?

Andre Kirilenko and Kyle Korver. Kirilenko’s skill set is much more suited to Europe, he’s clearly unhappy in Utah, he has been paid so much money in the NBA that he doesn’t need to demand a ton here, and we get to thumb our noses at Russia. Korver would fit right in with our team, and would be encouraged to shoot a barrage of three-pointers.

4. Suppose the lockout lasts through the rest of the 2011-2012 season. Can you feasibly keep your newly signed NBA players? How?

We can keep any player that is serious about playing the best basketball in the world. We cannot keep the players that are more focused on an entertainment career than basketball.

5. Who are you spending your money on: lesser skilled players who have a greater chance of staying long term, or more skilled players, who would probably demand opt-out clauses once a collective bargaining agreement is reached?

I don’t think we have to choose between the two. We just signed Sonny Weems to a year-long contract without an opt-out clause, and the lockout is barely two weeks old. As the lockout drags on, and players’ money dwindles, we are going to be a very attractive destination for high-level NBA talent.

Jacob Greenberg (CSKA Moscow, Russia)

1. Tell us about your team, and why NBA players will want to play for you.

CSKA Moscow is the premier basketball club in Russia. We're the former Red Army team, so we enjoy unprecedented popularity (or is it residual fear?) in a country that truly enjoys basketball. And we're awful good, as well. We've won the Russian championship almost every year its existed, and are regular contenders in the Euroleague competition, which is the biggest basketball competition in all of Europe. We've reached the finals the last four seasons, winning the entire cup (and the major cash prize!) in two of them. We're also owned by Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich, who also owns Chelsea FC in the Premiership, so we've got a lot of notoriety even outside of the basketball world. Don't mind the fact that our owner has an uncomfortably close relationship with the Kremlin, or that or that his rap sheet includes money laundering, blackmail, and racketeering. Your paycheck will arrive on time, and that's important.

Come and play for CSKA Moscow, and you'll join other NBA "stars" like Andrei Kirilenko, Nenad Kristic, Viktor Khyrapa, Gordon Giricek and Darius Songaila, who have happily accepted our money, regardless of where it came from.

2. Assume you have $5 million to give to an NBA all-star. Who will you make a strong bid for? Why?

We fully expect Andrei Kirilenko to reject BC Žalgiris' paltry offer of $1.5 million, and take our $5 million to return to Mother Russia. Kirilenko played with us from 1998 to 2002, and we helped him develop the all-around game that turned him into an overpaid role player in the USA. While he's never been able to consistently replicate the skills that made him an all-star in 2003, we think that returning to his homeland, where he and and his frightening new tattoo would be welcomed as heroes, will be a good financial move for us, and a good professional move for him. He'd spend time at the 3 and the 4, where he'd be a strong upgrade over either Viktor Khyrapa or Ramūnas Šiškauskas.

3. Assume you have $3 million to give to two NBA role players. Who are you gunning for? Why?

Our backcourt could use some work. Though we start former Mississippi State standout Jamont Gordon at guard, we feel Ronald "Flip" Murray would be an upgrade. Murray is a proven NBA pro, having averaged 10 ppg throughout his NBA career, and being a fixture in rotations in Seattle, Milwaukee, Detroit, Charlotte and Chicago. He's currently playing professional ball in Turkey, so he's looking for better deals. CSKA Moscow is certainly a step up, and we'd happily pay him $2 Million to make the jump. The other $1 million should go to an experienced point guard who could either start (and allow Milos Tedosic, the starting point guard, to play shooting guard, his natural position) or be a stable, dynamic backup. It'd also help if said guard had experience playing abroad so they know what to expect. $1 Million would be enough to attract a quality third-stringer, such as Chris Duhon, Anthony Johnson or Toney Douglas.

4. Suppose the lockout lasts through the rest of the 2011-2012 season. Can you feasibly keep your newly signed NBA players? How?

Without a doubt, comrade. Kirilenko is Russia's most well-known player, and would receive a hero's welcome upon his return. He'd been wistfully longing for a return home while toiling under Jerry Sloan in Salt Lake, and would be fully in control of his future if he came to CSKA Moscow. Both Murray and our third point guard would enjoy the increased playing time (and financial kickbacks) that come with playing for one of the best funded and competitive clubs in Europe. With the league getting older, guys like Flip and Duhon would find themselves in much better long term situations than they had in the States.

5. Who are you spending your money on: lesser skilled players who have a greater chance of staying long term, or more skilled players, who would probably demand opt-out clauses once a collective bargaining agreement is reached?

We are already one of the premier clubs in Europe. We already start two NBA players (Khyrapa and Nenad Kristic, who signed a 2-year deal with us last month), with the potential of adding more. We're already a big fish in a big pond. It won't be hard for us to get bigger.