Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Land Before Whine: A Review of a FreeDarko Post by a Non FreeDarko Reader and NBA anti-fan.

Editor's Note: It's a FreeDarko week miracle! We received this unsolicited contribution from Allison Blahna and, frankly, anything that makes fun of Karl Malone piques my interest. This is Allison's first post.  She never read FreeDarko, but claims to read The Diss, but I'm not really sure, since she despises professional basketball.


My aversion to the NBA began fermenting at a young age, when I was forced to attend Utah Jazz viewing parties with my family and listen to Karl Malone wank on about himself in the third person in post-game interviews. What. A. Dick.

It is in this spirit that I agreed to write about my impressions of the FreeDarko Dinosaur Draft. I would describe the on-court “action” in the NBA as “lumbering,” and in this sense, a dinosaur draft makes sense to me.

My primary criticism of the dino draft is its failure to acknowledge that dinosaurs would be bored to tears playing professional basketball as it exists today. The NBA: Where strategy and physical prowess don’t appear to be in nearly as high demand as a player’s genetic predisposition to be built like a brick shit house happens. Dinosaurs left their mark as superior predators (or superior herbivores. No small feat, some of those trees were real fucking tall). The ideal pro basketball player is exemplified in an absurdly large man with bone density sufficient to withstand running into other players and the ground with alarming force and regularity. One requires some degree of complex thought and problem solving; the other requires mass.

Aside from the above and my obvious disappointment that the dinosaurs in question weren’t sporting the jerseys of their respective teams, I have very little to criticize. Loath as I am to admit it, the FD Dinosaur Draft actually made me want to read more about professional basketball. Two-thirds of the post consists of NBA knowledge that is inaccessible to me. But the remaining third is blatant tongue-in-cheek color commentary that I can appreciate without any background. The very idea of drafting dinosaurs to fill gaps in NBA rosters is acknowledging the comedy of the enterprise, while still engaging in thoughtful analysis. I have a deep respect for people willing to satirize something they are passionate about.

As with anything targeting a learned group of rabid fans, part of me wishes I could enter into this discourse in a meaningful way. Alas, it is not to be. I will simply say that a blog that piques my interest in a topic I would charitably describe as the most unbearable professional sport is something special.

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