Friday, February 17, 2012

An Idiot Abroad or The House That (the other) Jordan Built

There are a number of excellent advantages to marrying a lawyer. Parking tickets become nothing more than minor inconveniences, you quickly learn the difference between a tort and a torte, and on special occasions you get free bulls tickets.

I moved from San Francisco to Chicago back in October of last year. So far I've really enjoyed exploring this deep dish loving, catchupless hotdog eating, city of sports nuts. These people truly live and breathe everything Cubs/Bulls/Bears. So, naturally, when Ab came home with bulls tickets for Thursday's game against Boston I was ecstatic (mostly because it gave me something better to do than think of more Jeremy Lin nicknames).

The game itself, although unfortunately Roseless, was pretty entertaining for a number of reasons. The Bulls interior passing is a thing of beauty, Mike James may have stolen C.J. Watson's job, Luol Deng become my favorite NBA player of all time, and Joakim Noah's "gun show" routine is even more ridiculous looking in person.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your priorities) the most intriguing aspects of the game took place during the commercial breaks. Like every other NBA venue they fired t-shirts out of semi-automatic fabric shotguns, gauged the sound level by the scientifically-backed jumbotron decibel meter, and implored the crowd to chant DE-FENSE on nearly every Celtic possession. However - unlike every other NBA venue I've been to - they highly value teletubbies, utilize the indigestion-cam, have a thing for grandmas, and have a profound respect for acrobatic Argentinian brothers.

Wouldn't it be great if I just ended this article here?

The Indigestion-Cam: We all know Chicago isn't exactly the healthiest city in America. Whether good or bad - Chicagoans like to eat. However, I find it a little strange that twice during TV timeouts the indigestion-cam displayed members of the crowd stuffing their faces with nachos, hotdogs, and fast-motion. My god. It was awful.

F.O.T.G.: The Fan of the Game is an American tradition. It's pretty simple - Find the cutest kid or drunkest frat boy, put them on camera for 30 seconds, and give out free coupons for Big Macs (which they will later be recorded eating, only to be sped up and used for next games Indigestion-Cam). The United Center crew didn't get that memo. Instead, the fan of the game last night was some hipster in a full on teletubby costume. Why....?

The Swingin' Seniors: I JUST WANNA DANCE! - The loudest the crowd got last night was when these ol' broads got down.

The Anton Brothers: These 2 Argentinian dudes wowed the crowd at halftime by doing a routine that any Cirque du Soleil fanatic would respectfully approve of. For 12 minutes one of the brothers would sit back in a chair and flip the other one in circles by kicking him pretty hard in the ass. That's about as good of a summary as any. See for yourself.

Oh yeah...the bulls won.


  1. My favorite is when they bring out 10 kids from the local YMCA and have them play 5 on 5 during halftime. Maybe I'm a dick, but there is nothing funnier than heckling that one kid that is way more mature physically: "Check his birth certificate!"; "Go pick on kids your own size"; "Does that guy have a pituitary gland problem?.

    They also make for a good drinking game/betting.

    1. I completely agree, however most of the Chicago based YMCA kids could probably kick my ass on the court.

  2. A few thoughts from someone who has been to countless games, even a few at the old Chicago stadium, which used to sit where you guys parked.
    1) The swinging' seniors are awesome, mostly because of the music they dance to. It's like the ooh-ahh guy from UA only organized, older, and not singular
    2) The indegestion cam is one of my favorites. They used to play it in reverse, chew on that...
    3) Perhaps the best part about a Bulls game experience is the giant Benny the Bull blimp that flies around and shuts t-shirts on people.

    1. Gross. Gross is my response to all 3 of your comments.